#ill makit it personal

[imjulia-andilikecats]

A Special Message to the Person Who Lost My Stuff

To that person who never returned my favorite scissors back in middle school. I hope you slip and fall on your butt and somehow, have a freshly baked potato shoved up your booty hole.

[hermit-pride]

Day: 8. I didn't post yesterday but laid in bed trying to sleep. It seems that working the overnight has maybe caught up with me after most of 40 years. I've always liked night shift. Fewer people, fewer interruptions, fewer managers, directors, administrators and The Joint Commission has never graced the night shift with its presence.

But that's not what this post is about. My mind was scheming; one way I fantasize. I have about five different posts roughed out in my head. I thought I'd start with this ...

I try to be positive when I'm masking, especially. When ppl ask how I'm doing and I'm not doing great I say "good". If I'm doing my usual (well enough) I say "excellent". I'm a firm believer in "fakit til ya makit".

(So, that isn't what this post is about either).

I try to think about the positive aspects of whatever being schizoid most of my life has been positive.

One important thing is being able to control my emotions and be calm, cool, and collected in situations which may be difficult. One example is that I have never been in a fight, brawl, or situation to harm anyone. However, I have lost my composure three times.

In second grade a very emotional girl named Arlene directed her emotional energy at me and I reacted by slapping her. In seventh grade Chuck and I got into some silly argument and I ended up taking him down (wrestling style). And when I was in the 9th grade the same happened with Mike but he took ME down, wrestling style. He apparently had some training and I was in a painful pin in no time.

My point being, I'm certain that my schizoid personality has kept me out of trouble.

On a pivot here, these past few months that I have been spending a significant amount of time refamiliarizing myself with reality I am discovering that some of my behaviors that seemed (almost) normal are now laid bare to the truth. A good example is the fact that I have never had a close friend. OK, I lied, my wife is my only close friend.

I guess I really never thought about it. Never had the urge to have one. My wife picked me (thank the gods) or I would have likely never had one. I lacked the skills, the desire, or a sense of needing others that a neurotypical possesses.

I don't dislike people. I just don't "like" them enough to spend any of my free time with them. I spend about 36 hours a week at work, 2-4 hours a week grocery shopping and at doctor's appointments. Otherwise I'm a hermit. I don't even do much yard work. Between my ADHD with serious execution deficiency and my schizoid avolition and "does it really matter" outlook, I struggle to keep things going at home. My wife always used to help motivate me and also help with the inside chores. The last year or more, with her several chronic illnesses she spends an average of 15 minutes a day out of bed plus bathroom breaks. Her doctor's appointments are a struggle.

So with schizoid I never have been a goal setter. But I do have one goal. To remain autonomous and to be able to care for my wife for as long as she has. That is enough 🤍💛.

PS. This is meant to be a "Smart Journal" and somewhat therapeutic in nature. I invite you to add thoughtful comments and criticisms in reply.